PETA Doesn’t Live Here:  No fear of being used as a canvas by PETA here!  Women in these parts unabashedly wear furs of all shapes and sizes.

Apparently there’s no fear of the fashion police either because women just as brazenly wear fake furs.  And I mean BAD fakes.  Saw a woman the other day who looked like the giant prize at a county fair ring-toss.  That was a whole lotta plush and fluffy that should never be on anyone’s body.

Free Screening:  Doors and windows here are not screened.  Bear that in mind during Malaria-I mean-mosquito season…

Supermercado Jerks-I Mean-Clerks:  Other than the fact that small neighborhood tiendas offer better prices than the chain supermarkets (supermercados) in the city, the main reason not to shop Eki, Carrefour and the like is the attitude of the clerks who work there.  I don’t know if they’re overworked and underpaid, chronically hungover or just emo kids banding together but they are all noticeably unhappy, rude and seem to derive pleasure from giving foreigners in particular a hard time when all we want is a loaf of whole wheat bread and a package of Oreos.

Shopping to techno music, on the other hand, is a plus.

The Hunt for Red UGOFE:  The rail system here is known by the acronym UGOFE.  In addition to being the rail system it apparently is a huge national security protocol because to find a time table and fare schedule online is next to impossible and may be punishable by death, I don’t know.  It took me hours of dead end searches to find it.  To spare you the same insanity I went through in my search, here is the website:  http://www.ugofe.com.ar/general_roca/horarios.html

But don’t expect all the links to work all the time, especially not the ones you really need, like the one that will tell you how much your train ride will cost.  It’s a surprise!

Monedero FAIL!:  “Solamente efectivo” means, “Cash only”.  Bear this in mind if you are thinking about reloading your tarjeta Monedero (subway pass) with a tarjeta de crédito (credit card).

Buenos Aires is the Paris of the South Because…:  …you constantly have to dodge dog shit on the sidewalks.

Clean Air Act:  I have some major concerns around the air quality in the city.  Vehicles clearly do not have to pass any sort of emissions testing and city buses spew out diesel fumes faster than BP’s busted Gulf rig gushes forth crude.  This is to say nothing of the second hand smoke cloud emanating from the ubiquitous smoker you will find yourself downwind of nine times out of ten.  I really enjoy returning to my apartment after a jaunt through the streets of town to find myself smelling like a potpourri of ashtray remnants and the local 7Eleven fill station.  (Makes me a little homesick for five taquitos and a red Slushie for 3 bucks…)

Read the Signs:  Street signs here, if they even exist, are curious things as they never point in the right direction.  They always somehow seem to be turned at a 45 degree angle from what is accurate.  This makes it very difficult to tell which street is which, particularly at corners where signs intersect.  Your best defense?  Get yourself a good map and a photographic memory.

Push & Pull:  When out and about in the city, be sure to remember these two words:  empuje (push) and tire (pull).  Doing so will spare you much embarrassment when entering and exiting public buildings and places of business.

Sidewalks May be Hazardous to Your Health:  I am not sure what the deal is with sidewalks here.  Aside from the loads of dog shit you will have to become very adept at evading you must also become very agile in navigating around the sink holes and canyon sized crevasses so as avoid having to be placed in traction.  It looks like public works crews rebelled one raucous morning and took jack hammers to the city’s pedestrian fairways.  WTH…

Balancing Act:  During my comings and goings in the city so far I have noticed, in my brief encounters with the men here, that they wear way too much cologne.  I mean WAY too much.  It is nearly vomit inducing.  On the other hand, they do make a concerted effort to open doors for you, which is a welcomed change, so I guess it all balances itself out.

Midnight Runners:   Trash pick up here takes place not once a week, not twice a week, but every single day of the week.  And it does not happen in the normal morning hours or in the afternoons or even in the early evening.  It takes place usually around midnight.  I still find this odd…

TGI Friday’s???:  Took an evening stroll along the Puerto Madero my first night here.  Walked over the very unique Puente de la Mujer and took in the lights of the city over the water.  Along the dock there were several very lovely, upscale dining establishments.  I admired the fancy people inside, sitting down to their fancy meals brought to them by fancy waiters.  I envisioned a time when I might take part in one of those fine meals myself.  And then I was jerked out of my reverie by loud bumping music and raucous shouts in English followed by bursts of drunken laughter.  The source of this out-of-place irreverence?  The T.G.I. Friday’s.  Yes, in the midst of the glamour and glitz that is Buenos Aires is an American staple: the ever popular and oh-so-garishly colored low-to-mid range chain restaurant serving up bar food and frozen mixed drinks.  And I am proud to be American!

To Condition or Not to Condition?:  Gone are the days of my cherished long hot showers.  These days I am lucky to get a decent shampoo and loofah scrub in before the hot water runs dry.  The question I am constantly faced with is: to condition or not to condition?  If I do chances are good that the water will run fridgid before I am able to thoroughly rinse.  If I don’t…well, ladies, we all know how that goes!