5:25pm EST
Boston Logan Airport, Gate 20

"I am sitting here wanting memories to teach me to see the beauty in the world through my own eyes."

I am not ready. 4 Months ago, 3 months ago, 2 months ago... even last month I was so so ready. I would have said SURE let's hop on the plane right now and get going! I could've left. Right now- I can leave, but only because I have to. I am so not ready for this. I'm not ready to fly 21 straight(ish) hours. I'm not ready to arrive in a foreign country. I'm not ready for immersion in another culture. I am NOT ready to step on this plane to San Francisco right now.

We're boarding. I'm in the last group that boards because I'm on the aisle. I like that. It makes a great deal of sense to have people board not according to their row, but according to the actual seat that they are in. I'm not a huge fan of UNITED, but at least someone in the company has at least a scrap of intelligence. Good for them.

The tears have been coming and going. The more I think about the more I start to cry. When I hugged David (my boyfriend of 5 years) goodbye I could barely choke out the words "I love you" to him because I was too busy crying into his shirt. I didn't want to let go. I miss him already and this long trip will suck without him. I wish I had grabbed my cellphone so that I could have talked to him while I was waiting. I miss him so much.. already. At this point, I'm wishing I had never decided to do this- but I know in retrospect that I'm being stupid. This will be a good experience for me. At least.. until I get through this first part I really need to keep telling myself that.