2:00pm

Green picnic tables outside B block



"It happens every now and then. I hear the words I need to hear coming from the tiny speakers that I've shoved into my ears."



Okay.. so I'm not great at keeping up with this. There have been so many times I've wanted to write because I've been so full with thoughts, but I just couldn't get myself to sit down and write. Now I am forcing myself to write. I may not be completely filled with ideas for writing, but I think I can still manage my ideas enough to write a bit.



Alright- so the past few weeks have been a serious emotional roller coaster. I LOVE Australia, but I can't stand it. I want to never leave, but I want to get on the next plane home. I want to move here later in life, but I don't ever want to return here once I leave. I'm content here, really, but I'm lonely as all hell. Yet, I know that when I get home I'll be lonelier than I am here.



Things I need to talk about:

-Weather!

-Dave's trip

-Social Activity





First- Weather!

I'm so happy I came here in winter. It is so beautiful. Albeit- when I first got here I was freezing, but it was warmed up enough that for me, this is a beautiful spring day. It is like 15° here (around 62°F) and I am sitting outside to write this.. basking in the sun. This past Sunday I spent 5 hours just laying in the Japanese garden reading. It was incredible. The best past of this type of spring- it virtually never rains. At home there are few dry days during spring, and those are still wet because they fall between the wet days. You can never really sit on the grass because you likely to get a wet bum. You can always just plop down on the grass here.. I love it. Along with the weather, I must reiterate that I LOVE the widlife and plant life here. IT IS SO INCREDIBLE! ....That made sense in the same paragraph, right?



Change of topic..... Dave's trip

Dave recently returned home from a trip to Europe with his family. I'm glad he got to see what he did- he seemed to really like it. Why did this make it into my journal/blog though? It doesn't really seem important... Well- I have things to say that I don't really want to admit, but I think that I should. I love David. I love him with an incredible passion. Here's the thing, though- when he was gone, I was calm. The entire time I've been here I've been really stressed out. I figured it had nothing to do with him, but naturally- it did. In fact, it was really all him. For the days I didn't get to talk to him, I was a bit lonely, bu I was so much more relaxed. I hung out without second guessing myself about whether Dave would be upset that I wasn't back in my room talking to him. After a few days, it didn't even really upset me that I wasn't talking to him. I wonder if talking to him weekly would be healthier than talking to him twice a day.

It occurred to me the other day that there will be no record of us missing each other or anything later on. Back in the day there would be love letters, or emails at least. For us there really is nothing. We talk over Skype. That is it. I considered writing him a letter to be cute, but I figured- what's the point? Anything that has happened he will already know about.. he would have gotten the information instantaneously. He won't care that much. He'll just see a letter, smile, read it, and then ask me why I wasted money sending it. I don't think there would any appreciation of the thought. I think it'd be beautiful and maybe even pretty artistic. He'd consider it cute, but dumb.

Anyway.. I love my boyfriend but I'm pretty sure that the mass amount of anxiety that I have in life is cause by him. I figured out what he is- ridiculously controlling...but in a very nice way. He is controlling because he can be and I generally don't have a choice but to listen to him.

These things are sad, but true. These are things that I have NO desire to verbally admit or comes to terms with, but they needed to go somewhere. Thoughts like this should be released in some way, though.



Change of topic..... Social Activity

I promise that I will go through a bout of extreme depression when I get home. Here I am very socially active. I take part in college sports, I got out at least twice a week. I go to the club and dance my butt off every Wednesday (Wednesdays are when the club is actually a club). When I get home my social activity will consist of sitting at home with Dave watching tv... MAYBE seeing a movie with him and Darce (his sister, Darcy). There won't be going out and having a drink or two with friends because 1) I'm too young (21 really is a stupid drinking age) and 2) there is no one to go out with. I have no real friends at home because when it came to making friends versus hanging out with David when I got to Wheelock, I chose Dave. I don't have a real issue with that, and I don't regret choosing him, but I do get upset about the lack of friends. Here I have close friends.. people I hang out with regularly. I don't really have that at home. I have Dave, who, while he is lovely, is not social by any means. I need someone social to take me out with them. David is not that person. I do sometimes wish he was, but nothing I do can change the fact that he isn't. He will never go to the club with me and dance, and I somehow doubt he'll suggest we go to the bar and talk to some random people (obviously that would be in a few years). These are really facts of life. I just sometimes have to wish he would go out, though, and be social and dance and do all that kind of stuff that I get to do here. It's fine.. I'll get over it. When I get home he will surround me with a ridiculous amount of love, and hopefully that will be enough to stifle the extreme loneliness I know I'll feel.