I don't think many people actually read this, not anyone I know anyway, so I haven't been writing too much. But they said that we should a journal in order to make sense of what we're going through.

Nothing terrible is happening. Nothing that bad, even. For me, though, the small unpleasant things add up to what I consider bad. I am not sure if I am taking this semester harder than most of the other people in the program. If I'm not, I haven't been particularly successful at sharing frustration or making real friends with others. Sure, I go out every now and then but I still feel very lonely.

I am having a hard time with classes now. I am not a lazy student and I am going to blame this all on the fact that it's 100% in French and it's a different teaching style than I'm used to. I am also having some trouble sleeping and even eating well. In Boston, focusing on schoolwork is not that hard now because it's not a completely new experience, but here I am feeling very overwhelmed. I have a lot of work this weekend and I know I will do it all and classes will be over in less than a month. But I am very sensitive to everything and it all seems harder than it really has to be. I have trouble finding a place where I can focus well on studying.

I don't think I will ever get comfortable with my host family. Living with strangers is just so difficult. It seems that the only way to keep myself from feeling watched and criticized for doing something wrong is either locking myself in room or staying away from the apartment in general. But: 1) I don't like being closed in and 2) it is cold outside and sometimes I am tired and just want to rest. It is just so far from everything, it seems! The metro ride is always 20-30 minutes.

But seriously, I feel that I am always doing something wrong, getting in everyone's way, breaking things and French people are not laid back. It's not like a hotel at all. I am living in someone else's house, using their stuff and speaking a foreign language. I know that the whole point is to be outside of my comfort zone BUT I feel like they don't understand that I'm having a hard time and I can't connect with them too well. She does make an effort sometimes, but obviously she has her own life and after all, I am just a boarder. Is it any wonder that I feel lonely? I can hardly call them a host "family" at all.

I am concerned about the sleep and food thing and how it's affecting my focus and energy. I think the fact that I am uncomfortable here is making me nervous and that's what is doing it. I am having trouble finding what I need/want at the grocery store (they are not that great here) and even though there are cheap options such as university cafes, I am trying to save money and not eat out as much. But I think I might start eating at those cafes more, because cooking at home is not getting any less awkward.

The light at the end of the tunnel is that after classes are over, I'm headed to Prague and Vienna: woo! Again, I will be alone most of the time, but at least I don't have to worry about working and I can relax and enjoy being a tourist.

I had my internship interview Wednesday morning. It went pretty well. She liked my previous experience and said that it sounded like a good match. But, even though she has had a BU student before and knows the program, she wanted me to start earlier because the set dates are too short of a time. Of course, I can't start earlier and I have not had any answer yet as to whether they will still take me. I really hope so, if only because I don't want to go on another interview and it will be a lot harder finding a small production company the second time around.

I am not so much worried about the future of my relationship as just missing having someone familiar here. Someone who I know gives a damn about me. I know this will all be over very soon and once I am back in the States, I will regret not having made "the most" out of everything and having not seen as much as I wanted to and spent too much time having semi-nervous breakdowns. I know all that. But I won't really KNOW it until then.